Twin Flame Projection
“We frequently judge that things are as we wish them to be, for through personal feeling true perspective is easily lost.” Thomas A Kempis, The Imitation of Christ
A few weeks ago, Josh relapsed, becoming callous and distant, and shutting himself in a room. The type of drug he chose is harmful, illegal, and deadly. It’s the kind of thing that no one just quits. He’ll need long-term medical attention and continued support if he would ever choose to end his relationship with it, and the key word there is ‘choose.’ That choice would need to be made first.
Using drugs was a hard line. It meant not living together. I told him to leave. I let him know if he didn’t leave on his own, I was prepared to take legal action. He took all of his things and left swiftly. There was no argument or harsh words exchanged and I felt calm and focused about what needed to happen.
After he left, I felt a huge relief. For several days, I felt a surge of energy return to me. I began to examine our entire relationship with more honesty than I ever had before. The veils that I have been holding up came down. At the same time, a lot of grief rose to the surface, and I cried and let it all out. I tried to write down what had happened for several days, but I would stop halfway through and purge more grief. Now, I feel more stable.
I realized that for so long, up to this point, I had been telling myself a lie about Josh.
The lie I had been telling myself about him was that he was loving towards me. He was not. I had been accepting crumbs, not seeing that they were crumbs. I began taking inventory of things that I never before admitted to myself, such as all the ignored birthdays and Christmases, the fact that he was rude to my family and other loved ones, the way he treated others when we went out, …how he ignored my Spiritual Community and the Teachings of Union and my coaching business, huge parts of me and my life, …how he treated me indifferently when I had cancer, hid things from me, lied, and then gaslighted me about the lying … all of these things I numbed out to, looked away from, de-sensitized myself to and blamed myself for. At least, I had been until now.
The list was quite long. Halfway through writing it, I broke down. It was really hard for me to take in how unloving I had been toward myself by accepting being treated poorly. I could feel my mind pushing back, not wanting to accept the truth. The truth had just felt too painful to handle up to now. This push-back my mind was trying to do is my pattern, what I had been doing all along that caused me to overlook the truth of what Josh was showing me, and repeat the cycle all over again. So, instead of turning away from the truth, I went right into it. I persisted through and felt all of my feelings as they came up. I felt the anguish and sheer rejection that I was avoiding feeling through pretending and sweeping things under the carpet. It was painful, but as I felt and loved myself, I felt relief in the truth.
I remembered a passage in Jeff and Shaleia’s book:
“…the problem was, I projected the qualities I desired in a man and tried to fashion him to be who I wanted him to be. Projection occurs when you come from a place of lack within yourself, and create a situation where you attempt to have what you feel lacking fulfilled in something or someone outside of yourself, rather than going to Love (God) and getting it from there.”
By working the process of the inner work in Twin Flame Ascension School, I realized that I had been projecting onto Josh. I wanted to have a feeling of partnership fulfilled, so I projected it onto him rather than allowing it to unfold. I had told myself that “he was healing,” that “he didn’t mean things he said,” that “he really loved me and shared my vision,” but the bottom line is that he did not show any evidence of such, much less make any clear effort at this time.
But why did I do this? What was the underlying reason that I was pretending that things were ok when they weren’t? I desired to know and understand myself fully. That was part of my healing.
I realized that deep down, I was experiencing lack on some level. I was seeking love from the outside. In my mind, knew that God is my source, but my pattern of behavior was still linked to imbedded subconscious thoughts, choices and beliefs. I was afraid to lose this ‘source’ of love, so I would prop it up with any pretense I could, and make believe it was love. And, it didn’t start with Josh. This was the pattern that I had with all of my close male relationships. I overlooked my own needs and the truth about what they would show me in order to project the reality I desired onto the relationship, not accept what was actually there. I believed that my value came from being in a partnership with a man, and not from my inherent God-given value. So, I would not admit to myself I was allowing a man to use me for status, money, sex, etc. and that he didn’t really love me or desire to be with me for me. This lie I told myself was why I experienced the reflection of Josh lying to me, and why he was lying to himself about how dangerous the drugs he chooses actually are.
I cried and had more compassion for myself and for the lack of love I had felt before. The pain that came up, all the pain I had been masking with pretending everything was going well – it came up, and it hurt, but at the same time it felt good. It was a huge purging.
As I went deeper, I noticed myself want to judge and blame myself for all that happened, telling myself that I didn’t do my inner work properly, that I was ‘bad’ for not seeing this. But that wasn’t helpful at all, nor was it even true. I realized that I couldn’t see this until now because God had guided me perfectly to remove veil after veil in perfect order. I was not grounded enough in my relationship with God before, and seeing this then would not have been compassionate. I was ready now. I was so grateful He showed this to me so clearly now, and gave me this peace of heart, as well as the pathway to rebuild trust with myself.
As I went deeper, I noticed a layer of anger on top of the grief. I was tempted to believe that anger was a strong boundary, and that my anger would prevent me from getting hurt again, that maybe if I was angry enough at myself, and at Josh, that I wouldn’t fall into the same pattern again. But anger is not a boundary. And, it doesn’t work. I began to have boundaries on those voices in my mind, for they aren’t loving either.
The truth is, that I can trust my healing, and I can trust my awareness. I can trust God, the God in me. I can trust Jeff and Shaleia and the path they are showing me through the Teachings of Union. This path involves love and peace, and also truth and honesty about reality. It involves putting Love first at the core, and everything falls into place from that choice, which means that I’m loved completely no matter what my outer circumstances are. I don’t need to hold on to anger or resentment as a boundary, nor do I need to pretend things are what they aren’t. My choice is powerful. As I keep choosing to be with God and Truth, and keep choosing to persist through the work, I will succeed. I have lost nothing but an illusion, and I have gained great ground on my Harmonious Twin Flame Union.
This new ground is new territory for me. I still feel a little disoriented, as if a brain fog has been washed away. But I feel relief because I know I could never do this without God, and that He has been with me the whole time. I could never look compassionately at myself and my patterns without God’s love and the Teachings of Union. I am so grateful for all the support I have here, and grateful for the awareness and the Truth that God brought me through Josh.
