Melting My Heart
I had an important breakthrough with my Twin Flame Union this Saturday in Jeff and Shaleia's live class. The past few days have been about processing what I received.
I came to class with a question that had been weighing on my heart for some time: why didn't my Twin Flame seem to match my love list? When I asked my question, Jeff replied with a question, "Do you love him?" It was unexpected. I noticed my heart was very cold and hardened. It turns out that I didn't love him in the way that mattered. Jeff reminded me that Josh was very hurt and needed a lot of love. (This also meant the same for me.)
My heart opened in realizing the truth about this, and tears poured out for the two hours following class, and off and on for several days after. Josh and I had been experiencing codependency, addiction and toxic relationship patterns for a while. I thought I had been making progress healing, but I only completed half the healing. I began to value myself more and not accept abuse, but from all that had happened between us, I had withdrawn my love from Josh. I was very hurt and just numbed and shut down my love for him. It happened quietly over time that I didn't realize. This is why I have chosen to have a relationship with a guru, their spiritual teachings, and my coaches - all because I cannot see what I cannot see, and no one walks home alone.
I had learned through life to shut out people who hurt me. Instead of having boundaries, I shut off the love. I tried to resolve it this way since it was all I knew, and I see this is exactly what Josh does too - we amplify each other. However, this is not what Jeff and Shaleia teach us. They may discipline their students, or place strong boundaries, but they never stop loving us in their hearts. The deeper I go into relating to my Gurus through their work, through seeing how patiently and lovingly they treat me, and all their other students, the more I see the unconditional love they demonstrate, and I am utterly humbled.
What is more, shutting out love for my Twin Flame is shutting out love for myself. In my coaching session with Laurentiu and Alexandra, they helped me see that when I got to Step 4 of the Mirror Exercise in certain areas, I didn't know how to give myself the love I needed. I felt powerless in that particular place, and so I would be present with myself where I felt bad, but didn't know how to resolve it to the point of feeling better. My coaches really encouraged me to stay in step four until I loved completely, all the way, until it felt better. They showed me that this is the core block in my Union, and why it felt so uncomfortable for Josh and I to be physically together now. I worked diligently in my session with all my heart, knowing this was a place I had not mastered fully yet.
I stayed with it, and continued to choose love. I felt the place that felt bad, unworthy, unloving and unlovable. I reassured myself there with God's love. I allowed myself to visualize and I saw myself sitting in a desert canyon. It was dusk, and the dusty air was filled with purples and golds. I imagined God as a beam of purple magenta light coming in and shining into me. When my coaches asked me if it was complete, I said, "no, I want more love." I gave myself more, and more and more. It felt like 2 hours, but it was 2 minutes and then I finally felt relief. Then I told them, "I want to do it again! Let's do another one!" So we did it again. And now I have this to practice for my life.
I felt some shame about not seeing this, but my coaches reassured me that I'm just going to a deeper level of loving, and all the work I did before was to get me to this point to be able to love here in this way. Thank you so much.
Now that my heart has melted, and I have loved and forgiven myself, I feel a rekindled love in my heart for Josh, desiring to be with him. I've been envisioning him in my home, putting his guitar and rock collecting in the 3rd bedroom. I imagined us dancing on the dancefloor in Sedona, all dressed up. I have never danced with him before, and I deeply desire that. I don't know how we will come together, but I have faith and trust this process with all my heart. I know that if I continue to put one foot in front of the other and heal everything that comes into my awareness, I can. There is a lot of building to do. A lot of mending. A lot of being tender-hearted. Learning how to be in grace and how to be merciful. If all I do is never give up, I can never fail.
Also, if you have experienced numbing your feelings toward your Twin Flame, please watch this video. I revisited this again, and it helped so much. https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=btCNXDbLABw
I am so grateful to my gurus, Jeff and Shaleia, for showing this to me so that I can heal it. I know you have been pointing this out for a while, but I was so numb and oblivious. Yet, you have been patient and merciful with all your students, and you have always championed God in this way, and shown us the path and how to be. Thank you so much.
